It’s been weeks stuck at home.
Thankfully I love our home.
Despite being able to work and living with my family there is apart of me struggling with isolation.
Our first Easter in our new house came and went without hosting brunch.
My weekly Saturday morning run sessions with my friend have vanished.
There is apart of me that feels bad because just before the stay at home order our son was in the throws of a varsity volleyball schedule that reminded me of the chaotic baseball years (you know the crazy scheduling with tons of driving around?!).
Now we sit at home.
I use to dream of being stuck at home and just reading but, I struggled with reading for over a month.
My mind raced with anxiety and my stress levels were off the charts.
Sleep became fleeting while carbs, wine and chocolate became necessary.
All the old coping mechanisms came back like an old friend visiting.
No healthy boundaries.
There is something about falling back into old habits. It feels good for a little bit but, the new healthier you is now inside crying to be let out of the darkness.
It was like I put her in a closet for a few weeks. I would let her out to workout or meditate but, then I would shut her away for the rest of the day so, I could consume mass quantities of junk food and television.
After a few weeks of the madness she began to fight to stay present and not locked away.
She would wrestle with my choices and call me on my bullshit.
Finally after a month she won back control.
She put her foot down and began to fight to be present for herself.
Eight days ago she took over the schedule.
The fog has lifted.
The ache of uncertainty has begun to fade.
Day by day I am feeling more like myself. Not completely whole but, mostly.
What I have realized is in uncertain times we can choose to take care of ourselves.
As the waves come crashing down we can either allow them to pull us under or we can grab a board and ride the waves.
I am tired of allowing all the chaos to push and pull me from the inside out.
I am choosing to grab my board and fight for my sanity and health.
No more sinking.
Only surfing the waves from here on out.
Bring on the sunshine San Diego because this girl is ready to ride the waves back to sanity and health.
