The sun has set.
It’s time to call it a night.
Still I sit.
Thinking of all the changes going on inside of me.
All the changes in the world.
It is so much easier to stay the course and not create any waves.
I am so tired of being stuck here.
I want to pivot and change directions.
There are so many good things in my life and yet I get so tired of the same bs day in and day out. I get tired of having to play nice and having to be accommodating.
Why have I made myself small in this world?
Why have I forced incongruent behavior in hopes of getting a different result?
I want to pivot. I want to change course and yet, here I sit stuck.
How do we actually pivot and make the necessary changes for transformation?
I have begun to wonder if I need to step away from scrolling, online shopping and overconsumption and instead sit in my feelings without numbing.
“Pivoting is the end of the disruptive process and the beginning of the next leg of the journey.”
It is easy to look back and pick apart the choices we have made in the past.
What if instead we accepted, we were doing the best we could at that moment in time?
As I come up on the seven-year anniversary of everything falling apart in order for me to finally get help I am thinking a lot about the bible stories of the seventh year.
I am not good with marking or celebrating my own progress or significant dates.
The falling apart led to the process of healing from trauma and led to me feeling better than I ever have internally.
I am still a work in progress and I am still trying to break the chains of sugar and food addiction so, sometimes I keep quiet because I have yet to arrive.
“Sow your land for six years and gather in its crops, but in the seventh year leave it alone and give it a rest so that your poor may eat from it. What they leave, let the wildlife have. Do the same with your vineyards and olive groves.”
Exodus 23:11 The Message
What about our souls?
After seven tough years of healing are we called to rest and let our ministry lay fallow?
According to the Oxford dictionary fallow means, left unsown for a period in order to restore its fertility as part of a crop rotation or to avoid surplus production.
And if we are called to let it rest what exactly does that look like in our modern age?
God spoke to Moses at Mount Sinai: “Speak to the People of Israel. Tell them, When you enter the land which I am going to give you, the land will observe a Sabbath to God. Sow your fields, prune your vineyards, and take in your harvests for six years. But the seventh year the land will take a Sabbath of complete and total rest, a Sabbath to God; you will not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. Don’t reap what grows of itself; don’t harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land gets a year of complete and total rest. But you can eat from what the land volunteers during the Sabbath year—you and your men and women servants, your hired hands, and the foreigners who live in the country, and, of course, also your livestock and the wild animals in the land can eat from it. Whatever the land volunteers of itself can be eaten.
Leviticus 25:1-7 The Message
In our modern times it can be hard to step away. It can be hard to let go of the things that we feel keep us connected to others. And if I am honest, I do not want to step away again especially since I have so many “good ideas” floating around my brain but alas I am called to be obedient.
And so, I will be step away for a season. I will go quiet and spend time listening for what God has for me before moving forward into another season.
