No More Running

Have you ever tried to outrun pain?

Ways we outrun pain:

By pushing to be the best in our careers or at home.

By people pleasing.

By overconsumption of thing; alcohol, drugs, food or online shopping.

By mindlessly scrolling social media.

By never resting.

I thought I could out run the pain of my past for years. I thought if I could be the prefect wife and mom I would find healing in the outcome. I thought if I could just succeed in my career I could rewrite the stories swirling in my head telling me I am not worthy or good enough. I thought I could numb the pain with online shopping and high quality wine.

The truth is we can NOT outrun our pain. We must face our pain and do the work to heal our pain.

In my twenties I thought I could avoid the pain by being the perfect wife, mom and if I kept a “perfect” home. I spent hours ignoring my pain by busying myself with long to do lists and activities for my son.

In my thirties I began to indulge in online shopping and wine to avoid the pain of my past. But, in the middle of my running I came face to face with the truth. I was broken and I needed to deal with unresolved trauma and pain.

Five years ago I finally admitted I had PTSD from an assault and sexual harassment I encountered while on active duty. In the process of seeking treatment and help I also came face to face with the reality of childhood neglect in my adolescence. Both of these caused me to believe I was unworthy and unloveable. My body was in a constant state of anxiety and hyper awareness of my surroundings.

All my coping mechanisms and running skills no longer worked or helped me to avoid the pain. Instead I had to face the trauma head on in order to learn how to better take care of myself.

Learning to handle mental health can feel like a full time job and yet, when you take the time and energy to set daily healthy habits you will begin to feel a sense of relief from the sometimes constant triggers of life.

As I have quieted the noise specifically for lent this year I have begun to realize there are so many benefits to staying present with yourself while avoiding the contestant influx of information we can at times ingest in this fast paced high technology world we live in today.

Rest is something new for me. Learning to set aside time to really bask in the sun and be in my body is a new feeling and honestly at time can be unnerving. Unlearning is a process that is going to take time. My hope is in the next forty days I will become more comfortable with the simplicity of living life unplugged from the constant notifications.

“Ultimately, nothing in this life, apart from God, can satisfy our desires. Tragically, we continue to chase our desires ad infinitum. The result? A chronic state of restlessness or, worse, angst, anger, anxiety, disillusionment, depression—all of which lead to a life of hurry, a life of busyness, overload, shopping, materialism, careerism, a life of more…which in turn makes us even more restless. And the cycle spirals out of control.” —John Mark Comer

With forty days left of this Lenten experiment I can honestly say I am excited to see which desires fall away never to return again.

Until next week may you find time to disconnect and rest your mind, body and soul.