Religious performance left me with unanswered prayers and frustrated at God sitting on his throne judging my every waking moment.
Attendance.
Serving.
Leading.
Praying.
Encouraging.
I did it all in order for my prayers to be answered.
Sadly everything still blew up in my face.
Family drama.
Car accident.
Flooded house.
Unanswered Prayers.
Broken heart.
I walked away from performance and gave into temptation.
Binge eating.
Drunken nights.
Anger.
Hatred.
Self pity.
Despair.
I gave up on attendance and assumed God did NOT care about me.
I began to think the generational curses were coming to tear me apart like a starving lion.
How could I have served a God who was NOT meeting me in this dark pit of shame, anxiety and depression?
There would be moments of thinking the clouds were breaking and then another downpour would pull me under the crashing waves of defeat.
Eventually I stopped listening to worship music and I put my Bible on my shelf.
How could I proclaim God was good when He was NOT meeting me in the midst of my desperate cries for healing?
How could I love a God who was allowing all this pain to bury me alive?
How could I say God was kind when I did NOT feel like He was walking with me in this season?
***
This year was going to be my year of just being without performing or achieving. I was going to rest and find peace in just being present in my daily life. My attempt at not numbing came in the form of reading books. I figured if I set a goal of reading one book a week I could get lost in stories and begin to rest.
A goal that seemed impossible was obliterated just after mid year. I began to see that there was healing power in art. I found myself painting, writing, enjoying movies and reading more than I had done in the past five years. I began to see art as a gift from above.
Slowly I was able to begin working out again consistently. I could feel healing happening in the deep places of my mind, body and soul.
Setbacks are apart of the journey and yet, I was learning to give myself grace and ask for forgiveness in the relationships closest to me in new and more healing ways.
Music again became the soundtrack to my life.
Movies and books ignited my imagination.
Painting, coloring and journaling fed my creativity in ways I never dreamed possible.
I was beginning to see God had NOT changed. I could see Him in everything and everyone.
Whether you go to church or you deny Him… He still loves you.
Whether your prayers are answered or you feel left alone… He is there with you.
Whether your art is secular or not… He can be seen in your artistic creations.
This life can NOT be void of God. Even when it feels like He does NOT see you.
***
I began to have faith in His love for me (void of performance) which gave me strength to dust off my Bible. I began to sing His praise even though certain prayers stayed unanswered, addiction still plagues my family and unhealed relationships still hurt my heart.
God did NOT change but, His position in my life did. He was no longer a genie in a bottle I had to earn wishes from and instead He became my companion on my good and hard days. He was my comfort after eating a meal I knew was NOT going to fill the emptiness I was feeling inside. He was with me in the midst of it all; good, bad or indifferent.
I believe this awakening could NOT have happen without going through the past two years of struggling with depression, anxiety and healing the trauma of my past.
I had to lose my religion in order to find God; Father, Son and Holy Spirit alive and present in my daily life.
As the awakening of these realities became more real to me my desires to numb began to decrease. My longing to hide behind a mask vanished. My striving for perfection was replaced with being present where I was at in the moment. For so many years I would be at work feeling guilty I was not at home or I was leaving work to care for my family and feeling guilty for not being at work longer. The truth is balance is NOT real. The best I can do is be where I am at and give it my full attention void of guilt.
Realizing there will be long days at work followed by days when I have to leave early for appointments, activities or conferences opened the door for freedom. Freedom from comparison, judgment and guilt. This is just one season in my life and taking opportunities for growth and responsibility at work does NOT have to mean I miss out on my son’s high school years. It means doing what I need to do in this moment and being present when I can.
God is showing me He and I are co-creating this life of mine. He allows me to author while He edits. He allows me to paint while He publishes. He is NOT merely pulling the strings on my life and trying to make me do anything a certain way. He is whispering in my ear and nudging me along this path in life. He is laughing, dancing, writing and enjoying this process of walking alongside me through life. He is fully engaged and willing to coach me; no longer sitting on His throne of judgment, condemnation or disappointment. I honestly believe He enjoys us and He longs for us to enjoy Him.
Losing my religion has opened the floodgates of creativity, relationship, laughter and love.
Losing my religion has helped me to raise my hands in surrender and worship.
Losing my religion has given me an opportunity to trust and believe the struggles are not void of His presence.
Far too often we are afraid of people saying they have lost their faith or religion. But, maybe losing your faith or religion is just the beginning of something better than you ever imagined possible.
***
This is my living faith, an active faith, a faith of verbs: to question, explore, experiment, experience, walk, run, dance, play, eat, love, learn, dare, taste, touch, smell, listen, speak, write, read, draw, provoke, emote, scream, sin, repent, cry, kneel, pray, bow, rise, stand, look, laugh, cajole, create, confront, confound, walk back, walk forward, circle, hide, and seek. –Terry Tempest Williams, author
