The unspoken broken in my soul is begging to be released into the world.
You might be asking yourself why would she share her broken or possibly why would she be afraid to share her broken?
Words swirl in my head and dance out the stories of my life and yet, I still edit most of what I write in private in hopes of not hurting anyone’s feelings. Sadly, I have come to realize NOT sharing not only keeps the pain burning inside of my heart but, it also allows those who have caused me pain to keep pretending it is alright to manipulate and hurt others with their words and action (or inactions).
You’re not broken and in need of fixing. You’re wounded and in need of healing. -Danu Morrigan
More than once I have been encouraged to keep contact with people who have caused me pain. The thought process for this range from one day having regret to being cut out of someone’s will.
Would we encourage a girlfriend to stay in an abusive marriage out of fear or would be encouraged them to have strength and courage enough to put their own health and wellbeing above the person harming them?
Why is this different when the abuse is less in your face and more manipulative and emotional?
Years upon years of waiting for someone to be active in my life and my family’s life has left me numb, broken and questioning my worth.
When the subject has been broached it was faced with accusations and mean words.
So, what now?
What is a girl to do with all this unprocessed pain and angst?
In the beginning of my healing I started therapy and reading books on narcissistic personality disorder, safe people and boundaries. Everything I read was giving me insight into the issues and yet, I was still afraid to share anything I was discovering out of fear of hurting anyone’s feelings.
That was until now.
After my last therapy session I realized I needed to be open and honest about my pain. I needed to let go of fear of letting anyone down because that was NEVER my job.
The pain of feeling unwanted and unappreciated runs deep in my soul.
Always working and striving for approval, validation or worth left me seeking out negative things to numb the emptiness within my soul.
Pretending to have the perfect relationships with people just adds to the mess and confusion. As a wife and mom I know it is my purpose (not job) to SHOW my love through actions in my daily life. Yes, words are powerful but, when your words say one thing and your actions say another it manipulates and controls people.
No there are no perfect relationship however; both parties engaging in relationship (friendship, marriage, parenting, leadership or even neighboring) means both people take responsibility for the dynamics in said relationship.
One sidedness is NOT a relationship at all.
Placing blame on the relationship is NOT healthy either; we are each individually responsible for keeping our side of the street clean. We can NOT force anyone else to take responsibility for their side of the street.
Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. I like to think of not only how I want to be treated but, also how I wanted to be received.
For instance; when my son gets older and leaves the nest I will call, text and visit him because I want to know him and see what he sees in his part of the world (or town if he stays). I will NEVER tell him it is his responsibility to maintain the WHOLE relationship on his own.
Another example is I love receiving cards, text and random phone calls from girlfriends but, if I am NOT willing to reciprocate this show of love and support than I know it will eventually leave and I will be left alone. Friendships need to be nurtured and we need to pay attention to what is going on in others lives. That is unless you would rather live a lonely existence.
It is the little things that count.
No one really needs grand gestures and honestly who can really afford that these days. But, when people matter to you then you sacrifice and find a way to connect, encourage and inspire them before they are gone from your life.
Last but, not least is faking it on social media. What you see in pictures is sometimes not real… when a small moment is captured in the span of five days it may be only a moment of connection or it may have been a deep lasting connection. The picture does NOT tell the whole story.
My hope is NOT to hurt anyone’s feelings but, to heal my own hurts inside. The lying, pretending and playing good daughter, friend and woman has to STOP. I can no longer pretend that the wounds from the past 37 years do not exist. I can no longer pretend that it is okay to send hurtful manipulative emails to people you say you love. It is no longer okay to make excuses for your absence in someone’s life because you do not feel it is your responsibility.
Around and around go your feelings and emotions and half-formed thoughts, till you think you must truly be crazy. -Danu Morrigan
The playing and pretending ends today.
I need to allow my wounds to be exposed to the fresh air in order to allow the healing process to begin.
Condemnation for me living my own life on my own terms in NOT right.
I would NEVER encourage a friend to stay in an abusive relationship and neither will I tell a friend to stay connected to blood out of obligation.
Make room for God to heal your brokenness. He can and will use it for something great!